Harry and the Muffins
by muffin Lady 0o
Summary: Harry is sitting at breakfast and Ron is eating muffins. How will Harry deal with it? What will become of the horrible canibalisticness of it all?


-1Muffins

I do not own any of the characters, thank you very much. I do, however, own many muffins. I might have even put a patent on them formerly in another life.

Harry was sitting in the great hall, staring at the barbarians around him with a slack jaw. Ron was actually one of them.

"Must you eat like that around me?" Harry whined as Ron stuffed his face with another food product.

"Yes, I must." he answered, chomping on with his mouth hanging wide open.

"But, but but…" Harry stammered. Ron sat there with his mouth hanging open, revealing the ABC breakfast he was eating. Harry's eyes got wide with fear and he squinched them tight shut.

"What's wrong Harry?" asked Hermione, sitting down next to him at the table. Harry just sat shaking his head rapidly at the open mouth of Ronald. Maybe if he shook it enough, the horrible vision would all go away.

"Ron, for God's sake, close your mouth!" Hermione scolded. Ron shut his mouth.

"Sorry."

"I cry for those poor, pitiful house-elves and their working conditions." Hermione said at random, taking a bite out of one of the objects on Ron's plate, which he had grabbed way too much of.

"I cry for the reason gits like Malfoy walk this planet." Ron said with discust, giving Malfoy a dirty glare behind his back.

"Why do you cry, Harry?" asked Hermione, not realizing Harry was actually crying. The little tears were crowding up the corners of his eyes.

"Harry? What's wrong mate?" asked Ron, speaking once again with his mouth full. Hermione looked utterly shocked.

"I for… for… for…" he stuttered.

"FOR MUFFINS!" he wailed aloud and then, without warning, threw himself to the ground and started making the biggest racket. Like an overgrown two-year-old. Complete with banging fists and kicking feet. People were starting to stare at his screaming self.

"BECAUSE MUFFINS DON'T GET THE RESPECT THE DESERVE! WHAT DID THE MUFFIN EVER DO TO YOU TO MAKE YOU HAVE THE BARBARIC-NESS TO EAT IT? WHY? WHY OH WHY OH WHY!" he continued screaming. There was a rather large crowd starting to gather.

"MUFFINS ARE OUR FRIENDS! WE SHOULD TREAT THEM THAT WAY! THEY SHOULD BE TREATED WITH RESPECT AND ALL THEIR MUFFIN-Y GOODNESS!" he continued hollering. Hermione and Ron were both looking rather alarmed. (Well, how would you react if one of your best friends started bawling on the floor like a two-year-old about muffin-y goodness?) a couple people might have thought he had gotten a bit of brain damage from that scar, but nobody would say anything, thinking he would start yelling and going on about the conspiracy of scarred people, mentally and physically. Nobody wanted that.

"Harry, mate, calm down! We didn't mean to offend you!" Ron said, grabbing one of Harry's arms and pulling him up into his chair while Hermione grabbed the other. Harry sniffed very, very loudly. And that meant there was something in his nose that needed cleaning. Neither of them had a tissue, so his nose started running. There was a small sniff from behind them in the crowd. The people parted and revealed a tall girl, who was red in the face and was wiping her eyes.

"Very inspirational. So beautiful… so right… Bravo my friend, bravo." she said. Nobody knew who this girl was, but the sight of a rather tall fourth year crying over a temper-tantrum about a muffin made several students scoot sideways away from her. Then there was some clapping. Another section of the group parted to reveal a small boy. He too, was crying. Happy tears though. Tears of joy. More and more people were recognized for the muffin lovers the truly were. Then, just as Ron and Hermione thought there could be no more muffin lovers in the school, the crowd got utterly silent. There was something making its way toward the center of the crowd. (This crowd, by the way, looked like a large, large mosh pit from the celing. Just thought you needed to know)

I very blonde, very perfect, very full-of-himself good hairday came striding in, tears shining in his gray eyes.

"In all my years," (he's only 15, by the way) "I have never seen someone love muffins as much as I ever thought possible. But here you are, living proof that even bad people have good points too." said Draco Malfoy. Ron turned pale. Harry sniffed. The Hall was deathly silent. Dumbledor was gently dabbing his wet face dry, and McGonagall was positively bawling.

Malfoy drew an object then out of his pocket. It was oddly shaped, and gray with fuzzy mold in some spots, and crumbling in others.

"It's name is Murphy Steve Gerald Lincolon Schwartzbaum." he said quietly. Hermione wanted to scream, and it took all of Ron's willpower not to run screaming from the room. Harry looked at the blueberry muffin with shining eyes, and pulled another muffin out of his own pocket. This one has green mold in spots, and has flat. like a wilted flower. The entire Hall was silent. They probably could have heard a butterfly land on the sidewalk in Montana. (Montana, by the way, is in the US)

"I named mine Felix Archibald Reginald Joe Schmit." Harry was leaking like a fountain, but he was smiling. These were tears of joy. Malfoy was too. And his nose was bright red. He gently took Harry's lemon poppy-seed muffin in his hands while Harry had Murphy cupped in his hands. The two of them looked up at each other and the Hall burst into cheers. Harry and Malfoy started bawling and hugged each other like there was no tomorrow. Not like lovey-dovey hugs either. Like the other kind. The "I need support or I shall perish forever and eternally" kind. They were lifted onto the shoulders of the crowd and carried around the Hall and out through the doors, chanting " MUF-FINS! MUF-FINS!" Professor Dumbledor and all the teachers following behind. All of three people were left in the Hall. Hermione, Ron, and one kid I forget what their name is. I do remember he was in Ravenclaw though. They stood in shock together before doing an anime fall and crashing to the floor, and while they were knocked out, they saw little muffins floating around their heads, instead of stars. This would be a day that would go down in history in Hogwarts. The boy who lived, and who was also in love with muffins. No wonder he could never get a girlfriend.

I had so much fun writing this! Omigawsh, did I ever! Do you know how many times I have ranted about the profanity and conspiracies against muffins? Have you? Well, I finally wrote it down in a fanfiction. Hope you enjoyed. Muffins need their share too. I speak for those who cant speak for themselves. Muffins fall in that category.

Reviews make me smile. I love them almost as much as muffins.

Total MS Word pages used- 3


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